Unfortunately, we will all come across many people who will try to push us down. make us believe that we cannot make it. that we have no true talent or don't know the "right" people. and sometimes we will believe them. but sometimes, it's better to believe in ourselves.
it took me a long time to be able to do that. in middle-into-high school, i was never the popular girl at the dance studio, so of course i wasn't considered the good one. forced to wait to go on pointe after all the others in my class, be one of the few not asked to go dance with the Knicks, and finally humiliated in front of the other families when i was publicly asked to leave the school for expressing my honest (and damn right) opinions about the attitudes running the studio. of course at that time, i felt defeated and hated, and believed the comments that I was going to go nowhere in my dance career. well...
in public high school i was also very involved (and also switched to a more positive dance studio in which i finally thrived *see previous blog entry =)*) and became very involved with the plays and choirs etc. However, again I was not considered the popular one, so I was always the dance captain, the ensemble member...never really a front runner because i wasn't "good enough". Good enough to be the help and get others more towards the top. But did I fight it? No...I believed that those people were better. strike numero dos.
Then I got to college. Little fish big pond. And I wanted to dance? What the hell was I thinking? Didn't I learn from middle school and high school that I was just a background person or the one that would make sure everyone else looked good? Apparently being knocked down a few rungs wouldn't stop me from the thing that I loved....
but first semester was a bit rough. I showed up to every audition...faculty...student..informal....lists went up..and my name wasn't on a single list. ouch. nearly every other freshmen got into at least ONE informal piece. Maybe I really was kidding myself here. NO. I'm going to try out for MINT*, Perks-anything!...I was going to dance in some way this first semester. Yeah, well, try again. Nothing. no one wanted me to dance for them. So of course this had to be it...cry a little..feel bad for myself...I wasn't going to be a dancer here. I was lucky enough to get in to this school, right? Three strikes and you're out.
Ok. so at this point, those of you who know me are like...really Maggie? I'm supposed to believe that? You've done so much at Muhlenberg...why are you complaining about the past?
Doesn't mean I didn't have to prove myself and work to get where I am.
It's proof that we will all hear a lot of "no's" before hearing a bunch of "yes'". And becoming familiar with people in power or influence helps. But when you are talented, willing to work and adapt, and are open to everything and anything, you will become something. I was discouraged for so many years because I was timid, a total pushover, and waited for the opportunity to take me by the hand. That's not how it works. When someone says "no", you have to say "screw you" and go find something else to do or someone else to work with. I have interned with an established and brilliant company, worked with some of the finest artists and creators in the dance world, produced student concerts, choreographed works, performed at dance and academic conferences, taught for multiple studios....and still got denied from Rutgers' Masters Dance Ed.M program for not having "good enough" technique. So I said thanks, but no thanks (and a big screw you), got over my self-pity after about an hour and instead got my work accepted to a festival in NY and got a few summer jobs. BAM.
Not good enough? No, I don't really believe in that anymore...and probably never really did.
Coming back home I often think about my journey to where I am now. all those people who were "good enough" back in the day are doing....what? With.....who? and are....where?
That's right. They're back where they started. Home. No job, no plans, just waiting. but waiting...doesn't really cut it.
I have an interview at a charter school in Newark, NJ tomorrow to be a substitute dance teacher for their elementary school students. I never even expected to hear back because I don't have my standard certificate for teaching. Yes, I have a sub license, but this opportunity could be big if I play my cards right. This could lead me into a full-time teaching position. Who knew? I went out on a limb and look where it took me.
I have to perform movement tomorrow so that they know I can dance. Can I dance? Yeah, there's no question anymore. At first when I found out I had to prepare 6 minutes of movement, I freaked out thinking...oh no? do they need to see movement that I could teach K-5th grade? What style should it be? What's the appropriate musice..what do I wear....do I need a title?
Then they tell me all they want to see is if I can dance. that's it? ohhh...get ready.
Good enough. no one else has the right to judge if your being, your existence is good enough because who are they to decide? those people who were judging me all of those years ago had no idea what they were dealing with and who they might have to deal with in the future. Focus, dedication, passion, communication, contacts, openness-it will lead you to what you want. I don't have a million bucks, 1200 facebook friends, 180-degree turnout, or the answers to all the questions.
but I'm proud, grateful and extremely open to all possibilities.
and i make it work.
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